Before I begin, I’m not talking about swearing here – I don’t swear in front of Toby and I would absolutely never swear at him – I’m talking about the psycho babble (in my humble opinion) whereby parents aren’t using certain words or phrases to their children for fear of forever damaging them. I disagree, in case you couldn’t tell, so here’s why I’m not censoring my language for my kids.
In recent months I have read articles and blogs about why we shouldn’t use phrases such as “good boy” or “beautiful girl”, for a variety of reasons. Apparently, calling Toby a good boy when he does something good is detrimental because it invalidates any actions which aren’t praised with the term and by the act of omission, thus tells Toby that the rest of the time he must therefore be bad. Utter *censoring my language* rubbish.
Likewise, I’ve read how parents of girls aren’t calling their daughters ‘pretty’ because they don’t want to give them an identity based solely upon their looks. I completely agree that a girl shouldn’t think that her looks are her only strength in life but alongside telling Baby Girl that she’s pretty (which I don’t doubt that she will be!), I will also tell her that she is clever, that she is strong, that she is a good girl. I also tell Toby that he’s gorgeous and beautiful as well as being clever, strong and good.
Back to the ‘good’ topic.
When Toby does something right I tell him he’s a good boy. As the words leave my lips I can guarantee that Toby is not dissolving into a panicked frenzy about the fact that what I really mean is that in every other moment of his life he is bad. Because I don’t.
What I am reading more and more is that we basically have to walk on egg shells with our children for fear that we are going to forever damage their self image. I prefer to think that by telling Toby and soon his sister that they are all of the above things that they will believe me, they will know that they are loved and they will feel confident.
Likewise, when they display negative behaviours I will tell them so because they need to know where the boundaries lie. Toby has recently started pulling the cat’s tail and trying to switch the oven on, both of those delightful new endeavours could be dangerous for him and in the case of the tail, one bad pull could render our previously injured cat incontinent and we would have no choice but to put an otherwise healthy cat down. Are those actions and their consequences bad? Yes, so I tell him that they are. I don’t say “Toby, you are naughty. You are a bad child” I say “Toby, it is bad to pull the cat’s tail. Toby, don’t touch the oven, it’s hot”.
We are our children’s primary educators during their formative early years. Irrespective of what is on the TV or anywhere else in their lives it is us as their parents who are responsible for developing their sense of identity and self worth. I want my daughter to know that she is pretty because it matters. I want my son to know that he has done something good, because it matters.
I also want my daughter to know that she is clever, that she can achieve her goals, that she can go to ballet or football or both. Likewise for Toby, alongside the fact that he is gorgeous.
I don’t want my children to base their entire identities upon their looks but I also don’t want them to feel ugly because they’ve never been told otherwise. It’s about balanced language, I want them to feel strong, empowered, confident, to have high morals and ethics, to know that their mummy and daddy love them with every ounce of our being. That’s the important language. And not telling them to *ahem* ‘F’ off.
What do you think? I’d love to hear from all viewpoints but please keep it friendly! Let me know in the comments below or get in touch on Facebook or Twitter.
Leslie Rickerby 4th January 2016 at 3:28 pm
Totally with you on this. I know it’s sort of a cliche thing to say but “never did me any ‘arm”
Whenever my grandparents visited us when we were young, my Granddad would always be sure to say “Oh, who’s a pretty girl”, whether we were dressed in out prettiest dresses or in our pjs just out of bed with messy hair. It’s one of my favourite things to remember about him and I always had a huge smile when he said it.
Same if we misbehaved, we were told. It’s important to set those boundaries so that if we are naughty, we know, and we can then understand why.
I will always tell Dexter and Paisley if they are in the wrong but on the same hand I will always tell them when they are being good. I already notice some behaviours in Dexter that I think deserve praise when he’s not been asked to do something but does it because he knows its the right thing to do. I wont sit and watch him put one toy away before he gets another one out without telling him that it’s good to do so. I want him to know he’s a good boy and that he’s loved. You can’t ever ‘over-love’ a child.
When you are a new mum you worry about doing the right thing by your children and so I’ve read a few of the articles that you refer to but to be honest, when I see them now, I just scroll on past as they irritate me. As parents, we have enough to worry about without all these silly issues.
To the people that write them… Bore off! Haha
Hannah 4th January 2016 at 5:02 pm
Absolutely! Certain things that happened back in the day (beating etc) are fair game for not being allowed now, but boundaries and discipline, not to mention compliments? Those need to stay! Toby is nearly 18 months old and is figuring out his boundaries and how to push them. Plus life is full of both opportunities and disappointments so I want to prepare him and his sister for those!xx
Jenni - Odd Socks and Lollipops 4th January 2016 at 3:49 pm
I totally agree with you on this – it feels like everything is being over analysed. Like you I say that an action is naughty rather than say to my daughter that she is naughty – because on the whole she is not naughty and so it would be untrue.
I recently read an article about the types of praise we give our children – praise them as clever or praising their hard work – it was an interesting read, but I think it’s important to have that mix – everyone is good at something and should be praised for it. Just as hard work should be praised
Hannah 9th January 2016 at 8:26 am
Thanks Jenni, I think language is very important in that children need the correct input but it does feel like it’s going too far sometimes!xx
Mummy Lala (Laura) 4th January 2016 at 4:57 pm
I agree with you.
My brother-in-law and his partner decided that they wouldn’t use the word ‘naughty’ around their children, I think I accidentally said it once and got into trouble for it, apparently you shouldn’t use that word as it has negative connotations or some bull like that. Ridiculous. I think they also banned the word ‘no’. WTF?!!
We plan to be open and honest with Rowan and if he does something good we will praise him and give him credit where credit is due. The same for is he’s naughty, he’ll be told and we’ll explain why something is naughty.
I’m forever telling him how gorgeous he is and I don’t see anything wrong with that.
Laura.x
Hannah 4th January 2016 at 5:03 pm
Thanks Laura, I think it’s mad banning certain words! I firmly believe that children need boundaries as much as they need love and devotion. It’s because we love them that we want to set them up for life, not failure!xx
Joanna 4th January 2016 at 5:18 pm
I totally agree with you on this.
I’m always saying that Blake is handsome and that he is a good boy when he does something we ask we even use the term naughty? I think it’s fine it never did us any harm when we grew up so why should it with our children.
Hannah 4th January 2016 at 5:20 pm
Thanks Joanna! I agree, it’s about the balance of letting them know when they’ve done something good or when they’ve done something they shouldn’t, I don’t see how they can appreciate rules and boundaries otherwise xx
Jane Duckworth 4th January 2016 at 5:19 pm
I couldn’t agree with you more! We should all praise & use positive language to our children as much as humanly possible. Fabulous post.
Hannah 9th January 2016 at 8:27 am
Thanks so much Jane, there certainly isn’t any harm to be done by praising our little ones, is there?!xx
Emilyandindiana 4th January 2016 at 7:06 pm
Brilliant post Hannah, I totally agree with you! I tell both my children they’re beautiful and clever and never think not to xx
Hannah 9th January 2016 at 8:28 am
Thanks lovely, no I don’t know why you wouldn’t, it’s the most natural thing in the world!xx
Sam @ Life of Mum 4th January 2016 at 7:41 pm
I don’t think my brain could work fast enough to omit certain words! I’m always telling Ella she’s a good girl. In fact, I think it’s taught her about girls and boys, as I say good boy to the dog!! She now knows who’s a girl and who’s a boy. Can’t really imagine any other scenarios in which I’d mention she’s a girl!! I also tell her she’s beautiful as she is. As I do to Sienna, though she’s yet to understand. I want my girls to be confident in their appearance and to always feel beautiful! Xx
Hannah 9th January 2016 at 8:29 am
Absolutely, there’s a huge difference between raising them with confidence and making future arrogant horrors, being told they’re beautiful isn’t ever a bad thing!xz
Ickle Pickle 4th January 2016 at 8:31 pm
Well said! My eldest child is 20 this year and I have praised her and told her all her life how I am proud of her etc and yes used all these ‘bad’ phrases!! She is a beautiful, intelligent, successful young woman. Oooops – shouldn’t I say that! 😉 Kaz x
Donna 4th January 2016 at 10:23 pm
I have to be honest, I never read the posts about language in front of children because I just don’t agree with it either. I teach my Son what’s right and wrong based upon the words he understands and the urgency of what he might be doing that might harm him. He’s a really happy child, and he knows the boundaries- don’t get me wrong he still tries to push them sometimes but he’s clear on what is right and wrong and what is harmful. That makes my life happier and easier as a mother as I’m not in a constant state of panic!
Leslie Rickerby 4th January 2016 at 10:31 pm
Also, to the ones that mentioned their brother in law banning the word ‘no’ what do they think is going to happen when somebody else tells their child no? Say a teacher at school for example, is it really fair for that child to hear the word for the first time in front of their peers and then have to grasp its meaning straight away? Surely thats just asking for more emotional damage than if they’d heard it and understood it beforehand?
Rebecca 4th January 2016 at 10:55 pm
I’m totally with you on this and what a well written post! I tell my daughter she is beautiful every single day, I tell her when she’s being good and try to guide her when she’s pushing the boundaries! x
Monroe Bishop 4th January 2016 at 11:40 pm
Say what? I have never heard of such bull malarkey in my life …. I so totally agree with you. Praising children is essential in their development. Heck I’m 45 and I wanna be told I’m amazing, beautiful, smart, kind and good job. I’m shocked!!
Leigh - Headspace Perspective 5th January 2016 at 10:34 am
Very interesting post Hannah. The concept of not saying ‘no’ to children feels a bit like giving all children a prize on sports day whether or not they won. Doesn’t really teach them a lot about the real world! There’s nothing wrong with heaping praise on a child either – I grew up with the opposite, and it has taken a long time to emerge from the impact xxx
Tim 5th January 2016 at 2:18 pm
Agree 100%. I think the two most important things in communicating with our kids are that we are (a) honest and (b) consistent with them. It’s so easy to tie ourselves up in knots about what we should or shouldn’t say, but I figure that as long as our children know that we mean what we say and that they are loved and supported even if we’re not telling them that every 30 seconds. then we are probably doing something right.
Fritha Strickland 5th January 2016 at 4:13 pm
I defo think you can get het up on the ‘right’ way to do things and feel all sorts of guilt for the way you speak, for example I’m often telling Wilf’s friends they have a nice dress or whatever and lots of articles will say you shouldn’t comment on girls clothes being pretty. One thing I try to do is rather than say something Wilf does is ‘bad’ or ‘good’ I always say bad or good ‘behaviour’ rather than him himself (does that even make any sense? I’m so sleep deprived!) x
Nearly yummy mummy 5th January 2016 at 7:18 pm
I completely agree with all of this. I think telling your child (boy or girl) that they are gorgeous is actually a very important part of growing up. People are insecure enough as they grow up and get older, we need to nurture them and make them love themselves. Some of the thing that are written these days is absolute rubbish! Thank you for a fab blogpost, I loved it xx
Caroline (Becoming a SAHM) 6th January 2016 at 11:07 am
Completely agree. I do think it is important to think about what we are saying as there are negative things you can say without realising it. I know I have said things and then Monkey has reacted in a way I hadn’t initially expected. I think language is very powerful and can change the way our kids react to things, for example praising kids for trying really hard at something, not only for succeeding. But I will always tell my children they are clever and they are beautiful because I want them to know they are loved and to feel confident in who they are. I hope that will empower them to whatever they want to achieve in life. Great post xx
Rebecca 9th January 2016 at 1:19 am
” I don’t say “Toby, you are naughty. You are a bad child” I say “Toby, it is bad to pull the cat’s tail. Toby, don’t touch the oven, it’s hot”.”
What you have just explained is exactly what the “language censors” are trying to explain. Too many people are telling their children that THEY are bad when they DO a bad thing. You’ve jsut completely contradicted yourself.
A child is not bad when they pull a cats tail, they are learning and experimenting about life. Of course we tell them not to do it because they could get hurt or they are hurting the cat. But this doesn’t mean they are a BAD child. As you have recognised yourself by self-censoring and not calling him bad when he’s just exploring.
Also the “language censors” who suggest not to say “good boy” because it means that all other times the boy is bad have got it wrong. The reason that you might not want to say “good boy” or “good job” is because it’s just a cop out, it’s lazy praise. The child learns to always look to you for affirmation and recognition which doesn’t allow them to figure out for themselves if they have done something good. They will learn that they have to rely on other peoples praise to feel good about themselves. If you say instead, “Oh look you have tidied up all the crayons off the floor”, it shows you have noticed their good deed and then they can make the decisiosn over whether they are good or not themselves, therefore not having to rely on other peoples praise to build their self esteem.
Hannah 9th January 2016 at 8:37 am
Thanks for your comment Rebecca! I actually don’t think I’m contradicting myself because my point was that I don’t tell Toby that he himself is bad because he isn’t, so I’d be lying to him. It’s not censorship it’s just the truth.
I have to say that I disagree to an extent that my ‘lazy praise’ will lead to Toby looking to me or others for affirmation his whole life. It’s not as if “Good boy” is the only way I respond to him, I will say hundreds of other words and phrases across the day but as his parent I believe it is my job to guide him to learn what is good and bad in life. I allow him to make his own choices and indeed his own mistakes, but I believe that my guidance, contrary to making him reliant upon praise, will give him the confidence to explore, to push boundaries and to pave his way in life.
Through this post I have spoken to people who, as children, we’re never praised and those adults have struggled with low confidence and self esteem their entire lives. I was raised by parents who praised me, encouraged me and nurtured me so whilst I sometimes doubt myself, I also believe that I am intelligent, pleasant to be around, worthy of love and I am absolutely not reliant on anyone telling me so. If life knocks me down I may well have a cry and a lapse in confidence but through my parents’ actions in raising me I can pick myself up and know my self worth. That’s exactly what I want for my children.xx
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Anna C. 14th January 2016 at 9:45 am
I agree with you!
Nowadays parents are all the time censoring their own language and even habits! Kids need to live in a natural environment where everything that is natural feels natural!
I’m so glad I’m not the only one that thinks like that!
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