You find a boyfriend/girlfriend: “When are you getting married?”
You get married: “When are you having a baby?”
You have a baby: “When’s the next one coming?”
You have a second baby: “Are you having any more?”
You say no: “Oooh, never say never!”
http://nancynorthcott.jim-mcdonald.net/2008/01/ I said “No”. We are not having any more babies.
“Well I suppose you do have one of each, so you don’t need any more, do you?”
Erm… Actually I wanted all boys, but that’s a topic I’ve covered before, and in fact our children’s genitals play exactly zero part in this decision.
I get it, throughout life and in various situations people have their stock questions and stock answers. They’re (generally) well-meaning, but it does strike me as odd that when you say you don’t want any more children, that decision is met with the jovial response that you’ll change your mind. Now I know that some people do end up having more, however likewise some don’t, and there can be so many reasons why.
For us, the reasons are simple:
- We’re too knackered
- We’d like to start travelling again soon (with and without the mini people)
- We’d like Phil to retire early
- I don’t think my mental health could cope with another baby
- We don’t want to move house
Done!
Some people stop at one, some at 6, some people stop at a certain number but always feel they want more. Some people wish for more but can’t have them, while some people have ‘whoops’ babies. Every family and situation is different, so I just think that for as long as people will inevitably ask when the next baby is likely to come along, they should accept whatever answer they are given.
“Will you be having any more babies?”
“No, we’re stopping at two”
“Fair enough, how are the little ones getting on?”
Obviously if the situation is complicated and the person in question wishes to discuss things further then they can, but nobody should ever feel judged for how many or how few children they bring into the world. I generally just smile and repeat that we’re definitely not having any more, but I have known for this sort of conversation to be very sensitive for people, and I can see why!
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this; does it bother you when people question your life choices, or do you just smile and shrug it off? Let me know in the comments below, or get in touch on Facebook.
Fancy suggesting a ‘Grab a cuppa, let’s talk about…’ topic? Send over your suggestions!
Leslie Rickerby / MessyBlog 18th April 2018 at 11:05 pm
It doesn’t bother me when people ask. People will always ask and I think it’s just starting conversation but like you, I know I’m done. 3 is our number. I know I will miss some of the baby days, but on the same hand, I’m looking forward to Bridget walking, her and Pais being out of nappies, that full nights sleep I often hear about. I want my body back and wear proper bras with out my boobs having to be accessible. I want to enjoy the children I’ve created and to some extent, being pregnant stopped me doing that. It was so incredibly hard and I can’t go through that again.
So, I’m with you. I’m done.
Also.. I wanted all boys too lol
Lucy Melissa Smith 22nd April 2018 at 3:48 pm
I’ll admit, it really does bother me when people ask this question. I know they mean well, I know it’s just the usual question people ask parents with less than 2.4 children but (1) it just reminds me that we have been trying for 3 years and are still babyless and (2) I feel like they’re sort of saying that Lily isn’t enough? I know that’s silly but she is my everything and I feel complete just with her. I don’t need ‘one of each’ (however nice I imagine that is!) We are not lacking, we are not missing anything, we are happy as we are. And if we do ever get that positive test and a baby that sticks then happy days!
Society needs to find other questions to ask because you don’t know how somebody is feeling underneath their smile or what’s going on behind closed doors whether that’s miscarriages, disagreements over the amount of children or even PND or struggles with parenting as it is anyway. F**k the standard stock questions, let’s engage with people properly and personally!