I feel like the two main topics of my blogs since Toby was born have been his reflux and his utter refusal or inability to sleep well. The former is, thankfully, seeming far more controlled lately but the latter has been a continuing cause of stress as my husband and I try various methods to induce better sleep in our baby boy. However, my husband foundthis article the other day and sent it to me. I laughed and cried in equal measures until something in my frazzled little brain went *ping* and I discovered an acceptance of the whole debacle.

Do I wish Toby slept better? Yes! Do I feel that we would all benefit from more than 1-2 hour sleep windows at night? Absolutely! However Toby is not a great sleeper and I now refuse to waste my gorgeous boy’s very limited time as a baby stressing about it. I’m already past the point of being a Mummy to a newborn and that’s a bit upsetting to be honest. I do remember it, if I think really hard, but reflux, crying and sleep deprivation are more memorable than the utter joy, love and happiness that Phil and I genuinely did (and still do) feel as Toby’s parents.

Well, no more!

Sometimes Toby will nap for up to 45 minutes during the day but generally speaking he’s only down for 10-15 minutes and at night we get one 3 hour block and a couple of 2 hours although this week it’s been 1-2 hours from the word go. Toby doesn’t take big feeds so that’s bound to impact upon his sleeping but as I’m not of the disposition to A) Force feed him B) Starve him when A fails or C) Ignore his “I’m awake” cries until he cries himself into an exhausted sleep in order to reach that elusive 2 hour afternoon nap he’s *supposed* to have, I’ll accept it. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve read articles and seeked out advice but Toby is a budding author who is writing his very own baby book and that’s fine, he’s an individual after all and far be it for me to tear up his book just because I don’t always like the storyline! The very lovely Fi Star-Stone put so much effort into finding out about Toby and advising how to help improve his sleeping habits and some things have shown signs of working. Toby will sometimes settle in his crib during the day now and he’s having slightly longer naps in the morning, but he absolutely will not accept larger feeds or sleep for even a precious few more minutes for a big afternoon nap, so all I can do is follow as many of Fi’s tips as I can without it becoming stressful.

Yes, I will have days when those ever decomposing Walking Dead zombies will look like supermodels next to me (as per my Halloween costume which was a visual representation of my frazzled mind) and I’ll wish for just an extra few minutes in bed, but I think if my mindset changes then life will be much happier. This includes all of those rods that people will tell me I’m making for my own back. Do you know any teenagers who still need cuddling to sleep by their Mummies? Or businessmen who use a dummy? Me either, so a more enjoyable time with my little boy is my focus and not ‘props’ or ‘rods’ which will, at some point, disappear as Toby gets older. I know that some will disagree with me, but Toby is mine and Phil’s son so we’ll do what feels right for us. It’s not that we don’t have any routine; Toby has a bath, is changed for bed, we have some nursery rhyme time then bottle and bed. He feeds at roughly the same time every day but he doesn’t sleep for long and a few tried and tested methods to change that haven’t worked!  I love my son more than I knew was possible, which is why I want us to enjoy every moment together, even if a good number of those moments occur when it’s so dark I can’t even see his gorgeous little face.