I’ve been unsure whether to write this or not and indeed whether to use the word ‘anxiety’ because I’m not even sure that’s what I’m feeling! Anxiety about child birth is a really normal thing, but with each day that I’m overdue, I’m finding it harder to shut my brain down and today a lot of thoughts and emotions came spilling out.
Although this pregnancy has been harder than Toby’s, it’s been far from dreadful and I’ve felt confident that everything would be okay. I’m not even all that bothered about being overdue as long as our baby girl is okay, yet something has clearly been manifesting in my head because I didn’t sleep last night and have been very emotional with a terrible headache all day today.
I’m not anxious about giving birth because my body has done it before and I trust it to do so again. I think that my issue is more about the fact that the longer I’m pregnant, the more restricted my choices feel. I don’t want to be induced, I said that weeks ago and it still stands, but I also don’t want a 50 mile round journey to the hospital every day for monitoring should I refuse an induction. I think I’m feeling a bit trapped and because I didn’t have a 40 week appointment with my midwife, I don’t actually know what the reality would be should Phil and I say a definite no.
I’m seeing the midwife on Wednesday so I’m feeling a hit desperate for tomorrow to come and go so that we can find out where we stand. Every NHS Trust has their own protocol, so with my midwife care being in one county but the birthing hospital in another, I don’t know where or when monitoring would take place.
Then there are fears about me being stubborn instead of sensible. I’ve always maintained that as a due date is an estimate and my cycles were all over the shop after having Toby, there’s no point in getting hung up on the due date and I stand by that. However, what if baby is very ready to come and my body is too tired, not prepared for birth? What if that’s why I’m not going into labour? Am I risking baby’s wellbeing by saying no or am I doing the right thing by continuing to trust my body?
It’s an absolute mine field of second guessing and instinctively I want to wait, to probably have a sweep on Wednesday but not book an induction. That said, if I do have to go to the birthing hospital every day for monitoring then that would be exceptionally stressful. More so than being induced? Who knows because induction is a different experience for everyone and if the gel or pessary worked then I wouldn’t need the dreaded drip.
Of course all of this could be a huge waste of my brain power given that at any point I could go into labour without any intervention. I’m trying to keep reminding myself of that because even if I was to be booked in for an induction it would be a good week away from now. Plenty of time!
If I’m honest, I think that all of this stems from being in hospital last Wednesday for monitoring. Baby wasn’t moving much so Phil and I headed in to the unit where she then went the complete opposite and was more active than ever. Great, although her heart rate was between 160 and 190 bpm, which is very high. The midwife wasn’t happy and called the doctor, who didn’t actually come to see me but said that by the NICE guidelines I was okay to go home. I do trust the NHS staff, but I’ll admit that the very high heart rate has been playing on my mind since.
I don’t think I’m an anxious person by nature. I can get very emotional and pessimistic at times, but rarely feel worried about stuff so this anxiety about child birth and bring overdue is quite overwhelming. This has really just turned into a bit of a mind dump for me, so apologies if it’s a rubbish post to read buy it’s done me some good to think about how I’m feeling and try to process it.
Earlier this afternoon I tried playing a hypnobirthing track and ended up in tears. Writing is my natural outlet so when relaxation proved fruitless I knew I needed to write instead!