Yep, I’ve gone from my lifelong size 8 to a borderline 12 (depending on what I’m attempting to wear) and I feel like it’s taken almost no effort at all! So little effort, in fact, that since running a fricking half marathon back in October, lifting my fingers to type has been the most exercise I’ve done.

I could babble on about my full time office job, stopping breastfeeding, lack of time, dark evenings… or I could just call it.

I’ve made poor food choices, not exercised, and been too bloody knackered to make the necessary changes.

The mirror of doom

Basically, all mirrors, but mainly the downstairs bathroom one that mocks me as I get undressed for a shower. It reflects everything without mercy – the overhang I’ve never, ever had before. The complete absence of shape. The fact that I now weigh more and look worse than the immediate weeks after giving birth twice within 2 years.

“But you’re only a size 10/12…”

I’m going to make this point before anyone tries that line on me, because I’ll get angry and upset if I see or hear it now, as I have heard in reference to others in the past.

At what point, exactly, should someone feel bleurgh about their body? A size 20, 24, 30?

Or how about, when they are no longer the healthiest, most attractive version of them self?

I’ve had conversations in the past about how I firmly believe we all look our best at the shape and size we are naturally built to be. That can be almost anything, and for me it’s a 55kg size 8, with some curves that border a size 10. I like that shape.

Where did things go wrong

Now I am going to jot down a few of the excuses here:

  • A full time office job
  • Injuring my foot during the half marathon
  • Not buying new running shoes (because, well, Christmas, car MOT, broken boiler…)
  • Not eating enough proper meals
  • Too much bread, too few vegetables
  • Depression/anxiety/lethargy/vitamin D deficiency

None of these things are insurmountable. But added together, a few grams here are there have built up and up with every extra bread roll, every evening without running, every time I sobbed into my coffee instead of learning some yoga – so I’m now heavier than I’ve even been before out of pregnancy.

What to do

I think it’s pretty clear; quit the office job (tick – but not for this reason, obviously, that would be ridiculous), buy some new running shoes, do the 30 Day Shred on YouTube, make better food choices, keep up with my vitamin D spray.

I don’t want to hate my reflection, I don’t want to portray a negative self image in front of the children, I don’t want to feel ashamed for my husband to see me (he’d never make me feel bad, but I still do).

I just want to go back to being the best version of myself that I can. I know that on the back of carrying two babies to full term, and simply getting older, my body will inevitably change and I’m fine with that! But as it changes I want to be positive about what I have and right now I’m so far away from that.

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What are your top tips for a healthy lifestyle? I don’t want fad diets or tips to join a gym – I don’t do fad diets and I live a good 10 miles from the nearest gym – but general lifestyle tips or vegetarian meal ideas would be amazing! Let me know in the comments, or pop over to Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter.